Under the Willow Tree, I wait
by Howii
Summary: "Please forgive me, Levi." Eren let the tears fall as he watched his own blood pool around his body. A sweet, numbing sensation washed through his veins. With his last breath, he muttered his last words. "I love you." - How will Levi and Eren's love story turn out? Read and enjoy (or cry). Thanks! -WARNING: CONTAINS SELF-HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS-
1. Chapter 1

" **I'm not scared of many things but my biggest fear is my mind." –Elliot Nixon**

* * *

" _I'm a fucking monster."_ The words were no more than a broken whisper. Taking the blade to his wrist, Eren slid the edge across the skin and felt warm liquid trickle down his arm.

* * *

 **A FEW MONTHS EARLIER**

Eren watched his comrads fall left and right, bodies dropping in the snow, staining everything red. His feet wouldn't move, no matter how hard he wanted them to. His eyes were wide with horror and there was a sick churning in his stomach. Why couldn't he transform? What kind of hell is this? He could hear snow crunching under boots and bloodcurdling screams filled the foggy air. He lifted his hand to his mouth and sank his teeth into the skin, over and over, until the ground around him was crimson and blood was all he could taste.

With no more strength left in his body, Eren sunk to the ground. Icy wind slapped at his face and the blood-tainted snow soaked through his pants; he was too numb to feel any of this. If it weren't for the warm hand grasping onto his shoulder, he was sure he would've fallen into some sort of abyss. Eren tried to focus on the sound of his captain's voice, screaming out his name, but he was already gone. His mind was nowhere to be found at the moment.

Levi wrapped his arms around the crumpled boy and hoisted him up on the horse. He tucked Eren into his chest as they rode off, the grotesque scene fading behind them. Those dull and lifeless green eyes, pale skin smeared with blood, and the unforgettable expression on the boy's face kept haunting Levi. He wanted the thoughts out of his mind, but they wouldn't budge, flashing over and over until Levi felt nauseous. He tightened his grip on Eren.

Once arriving at the castle, Levi dismounted the horse, Eren in his arms, and headed straight for his room. He started a warm bath and pulled off the boy's clothes and then his own. He tossed the red stained garments into a corner basket. Levi picked Eren back up and stepped into the steaming water, hissing at the burning sensation against his frozen skin. He grabbed his bar of soap and scrubbed the blood from Eren's body.

After Levi was sure they were both clean and Eren was thawed out, he took him to his bed. Levi pulled the boy against him and placed his chin on top of wet, chocolate brown hair. "Eren, come back to me." He whispered softly into Eren's ear and cupped the younger one's cheek. He brought Eren's face in front of his own, pulling him until they were mere inches apart. He searched for some sort of consciousness, some sort of life, hidden in those big green eyes. "Eren, please." Levi felt a lump form in his throat.

"...monster... useless... why... do I.. _exist_..."

Levi's heart fluttered. "Eren, it's okay. I'm here. You're safe now." He held onto the boy as if his life depended on it and drifted to sleep.

* * *

 _He heard the crunch and warm liquid gushed against his tongue. He looked down at his large hand and saw half of his mother's limp body, he could taste her blood, it was filling his mouth..._

Eren screamed and shot up right in the bed. Hair stuck to his forehead and sweat poured down his back and chest. He clenched his stomach and covered his mouth with his hand, trying to hold back another scream. He whimpered quietly as the images slowly faded from his mind. He sagged back down to the bed. Arms wrapped around his waist made him glance down.

Black head of hair was snuggled into his side. Eren's eyes widened at the realization. Captain Levi was curled up in bed, next to him... naked. Before Eren could question it, he slid out from the man's arms and stood up from the bed. He wrapped a towel around his waist after ten minutes of searching for something to put on. Then he went on a hunt for clean clothes.

* * *

Levi opened his eyes and glanced out the window. It was still pitch black outside. He crawled out of bed and put on his uniform. As he stripped his sheets and gathered dirty clothes, he couldn't help but wonder if Eren was okay. Once the clothes were washed and hung to dry, Levi went on a search for the boy.

Eren felt the cold nip at his face. He breathed in the crisp air and exhaled, watching white puffs form around his face. He looked up to the dark sky and let a tear roll down his cheek. Eren leaned until his back pressed against the tree behind him. He slid his body down to the ground and pushed his knees up into his chest. He let his face fall into his hands and let out all the screams he had bottled up, praying it would silence the little voice in the back of his mind, the little voice that was steadily growing louder and louder.

At the sound of Eren's scream, Levi took off running. He slowed his pace when Eren came into his vision. He stopped, breathing heavily, and took in the sight in front of him. Eren was huddled up under a willow tree. The moon lit up the snow around the boy, washing everything in a silver glow. The white icy limbs of the tree seemed to be flowing down towards Eren, like a frozen waterfall surrounding him. Eren's tears glittered like diamonds as they cascaded down to the ground. Levi walked over and crouched down next to him.

"Eren. What can I say to make things better?"

Eren looked up into a stern, yet worried, face. He could see Levi's breath in the air, mixing with his own. Blue eyes were piercing him. What words would make him feel better? Eren squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, "Captain, I need you to lie to me. I'm sick of the truth. The truth is always ugly and unbearable." He opened his eyes in shock at the feeling of warm hands cupping his face.

"You want a lie? Okay... Eren, I don't love you. You most definitely are _not_ my everything."

Eren froze as the words sunk in. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears. "If... If that's a lie... then tell me the truth..." He wouldn't believe it until he heard the three words. There's no way his captain could...

"I love you, Eren."

Eren saw a glimmer in Levi's eyes, right before warm lips melted into his own. His heartbeat was thunderous. The hands on his cheeks slid down to his knees, spreading them, so Levi could get closer. Eren's eyes fluttered shut as he surrendered himself to the man stealing his heart. He wrapped his arms around Levi's neck and took all the warmth that hot mouth had to offer. The warmth spread through his body, all the way to his toes. Surely the snow was melting around them. His mind was no longer engulfed in his dark thoughts, but instead, on the man infront of him.

Levi felt icy fingers caress the back of his neck and tangle into his hair. He continued running his hands over Eren's chest and hips as his tongue explored every crevice of the boy's mouth. He pressed Eren firmly against the tree and angled his head, deepening the kiss.

At the pale light shining on them, Levi stopped their kiss. He stood up, feeling light headed. He reached his hand out and inwardly smiled as Eren's hand wrapped around his.

Eren let Levi pull him up and the threw his arms around the shorter one's waist. "Oh yea, Captain, I... I love you too." Eren felt the heat rush to his cheeks and leaned down, hiding his face in the crook of Levi's neck. The heat spread to his ears when he heard a deep chuckle in his ear.

Once his beating heart calmed some, his mind returned to his dark, horrid thoughts. He shook his head slightly and pushed his face deeper into the hollow of Levi's neck, brushing his nose against the skin. Eren bawled his hands into fists when they began to tremble.

"Hey brat, what's wrong?" He felt Levi try to pry him away to look into his face. Eren was afraid of what his face might show, so he pressed harder into the man.

"I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"My mind..."

Levi's blood ran cold. Ice water washed over his body. He knew all too well what that meant. He too, had once been afraid of his own mind, but he ended up stopping it with alcohol. Eren, however, is much more fragile. Levi squeezed the boy in his arms. "I'll do whatever it takes to help."

Eren couldn't help the thought that ran through his mind. _It might be too late to help me... I'm sorry, Levi._


	2. Chapter 2

Eren tried to keep himself busy. He cleaned over an already spotless bookshelf. He cleaned out nearly empty closets. Teeth sank into his lip as he tried thinking of what to do to stay busy. Nonetheless, night would fall once more, leaving him in the dark empty room where the silence screamed. He hugged his arms tightly around his stomach, hoping maybe it will keep him from falling into pieces, shattering on the stone floors. The night crept in through the windows, chasing away any light, stretching down the halls and slithering around Eren. He held his breath and squeezed his eyes shut.

A gentle hand brushed against the nape of his neck. Eren turned on his heels to see his captain, his little orb of light. A smile curled his lips.

Levi stood there without speaking, listening to the boys breathing. He reached his hand out and rested it on Eren's hip, pulling him closer. Their lips brushed and Levi's heartbeat quickened. His hands wrapped around Eren's face, trapping him. Green eyes were captivating him. Levi tilted his head and captured the boy's lips. Eren's tongue timidly peeked out and grazed his lips.

Levi's throaty hum sent a shiver up Eren's spine. Their tongues pushed together, their saliva and breaths mingling in the most wonderful way. Eren began panting as large hands caressed under his shirt and up his back, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its fiery wake. Levi pulled back, escaping the heady feeling and gathering his scattered brain.

With Eren's chin in his grasp, Levi trailed his thumb over swollen red lips. "You should get to bed, Brat."

Eren let out a raspy chuckle. "Then by all means, let's go old timer."

Levi's brow twitched. He leaned up and captured Eren's bottom lip between his teeth and tugged roughly, earning him a yelp. He leaned back on his heels satisfied as red pooled in the boy's cheeks. "I have to go on a short trip to Mitras." His mood darkened at the thought of the place.

Eren swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He didn't want to be alone. "Okay." He tangled his hands together behind his back, trying to hide the trembling. "Be safe, please."

Levi gazed at the boy, noting the pallor his skin had taken on. He gripped onto the boy's shoulders and squeezed tightly. "I'll be back soon, okay?"

Eren couldn't look him in the eyes. He slowly nodded his head.

Levi frowned. He wrapped his arms around Eren and pulled him flush against his body. "You be safe too. If you're feeling lonely just think about me."

Eren's jaw clenched as the tears threatened to spill over. He squeezed the man back as he nuzzled his face into Levi's neck. "Okay."

The warmth of Levi's lips still lingered as he listened to the man's fading footsteps echoing through the hall. Eren sighed as he walked towards his room. The darkness swallowed him as he entered and quietly clicked the door shut behind him. His body shook with dread, knowing what will soon happen. Eren dragged his hands down his face trying to read the growing voice in his mind.

 _Fuck you._

He shivered and slid down to the cold floor. His teeth worried his lip as he tried to pretend not to hear his thoughts. Were they really his thoughts? He wasn't sure. Images of his mother's sweet smiling face flashed through his mind. He hung his head and whispered brokenly, " _I miss you so much._ " The hot tears slid down his face and into his palms.

 _You're a fucking monster. If only she could see her son now._

Eren's heart pounded painfully in his chest. "No!" He shook his head violently and tried to rid the words. He forced himself to think of Levi.

 _Levi blames you for his fallen comrades._

Eren clenched his jaw as the tears soaked though his clothes. His body wouldn't stop shaking. He felt like he was going to throw up. He clenched his stomach and dragged himself into his bathroom. He lurched into the toilet. His sobs grew. It seemed as if hours passed with him gasping for air in between violent sobs and dry heaves.

After the emotional wave had made its course, Eren was left with the silent cold. The iciness filled his veins and left him numb. He sagged against the floor. With a sickening weight in his stomach and his own self-hatred freezing his heart, he reached up to grab his shaving razor. He disassembled the parts until he was left with a small single blade. He briefly wondered if this would make him transform. If he had a goal in mind, he would. Or so he thought. He didn't want to think about it. His only goal was… What? Dying? He laughed bitterly as he realized… There was no goal, just a sick way to relieve his pain. If death happened, so what? He could see his mother again. He could see his friends again.

Eren gripped the small razor, feeling it bite into his palm. He held it with a steady hand and calmly slid it over his skin. The flesh eased open under the pressure and crimson began trickling out and onto the floor. Eren slashed through his flesh over and over until the heavy feeling lifted. His eyes closed as he fell onto his back, breathing evenly. His lips curled into a sick smile as he felt somewhat pleased. The tears were dry on his cheeks and the blood soon clotted over each cut. Eren pulled himself up from the floor and quickly cleaned the wreck he created, oddly satisfied as he eyed the red that coated his forearm and the floor.

After he discarded all evidence of the dreadful scene, his body became heavy and he climbed into bed, letting a dreamless sleep take him under.

Levi's heart hammered in his chest as he neared the castle where his brat should be waiting. Two days was too long. He dismounted his horse and rushed inside. He found an empty bedroom cluttered with bloody clothes. He shook his head and walked out, in search for the kid. He found Eren's blonde friend.

"Arlert, where's Jaeger?"

The blond tilted his head in thought. "I haven't seen him, sir. He didn't come for breakfast the past couple of days so we assumed he accompanied you."

Levi's brows knit together in confusion. He muttered under his breath and went in search for another man. He shoved open a door and made his way in the office. "Erwin, what kind of mission did you send Jaeger on?"

Erwin glanced up from his stack of papers. "He's not on a mission."

Levi's heart squeezed painfully. He rushed from the office in search of Eren. He couldn't help but wonder… _If that isn't blood from a mission, then…_ Levi swallowed back the bile as his legs pushed harder. He found himself standing by Eren's favorite tree. The boy was huddled up in a ball and sleeping soundly. Levi let go a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He silently sat down next to the brunet and pressed his lips to the boy's temple.

"I missed you."

Eren could hear a deep voice whispering into his ear. He peeped open an eye to see Levi. His smile stretched ear to ear as he leaned his head against the man's shoulder. "I missed you too."

They sat in silence, enjoying the other's company, for over an hour. Eren straightened back up and looked into blue eyes, his heart beating in his ears. Their lips gently pressed together. Eren muttered against the man's mouth. "How was your trip?"

Levi huffed and pressed into Eren once more. "Shitty. How was it here?"

Eren smiled against the Captain's warm skin. "Shitty."

Levi frowned as he remembered. "Eren, what on earth happened while I was gone?"

Eren's heart froze for a few seconds before kicking into over drive. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what did you do to have so much blood on your clothes? Did Hange do something weird to you again?"

Eren chewed the inside of his cheek as he thought of what to say. His eyes became downcast as he spoke. "Something like that. It's fine though. Don't worry."

Levi sighed and snuggled closer to the boy. "I was very worried. I had no idea what could've happened to you." His heart tugged. "If I lost you…" He couldn't finish his sentence. Levi rested his head back on the tree.

The guilt ate at Eren as he watched the man grimace. His fingertips reached up and gently stroked Levi's jaw line. He could feel the butterflies fluttering in his stomach. His face reddened as new thoughts flooded his mind. With his heart pounding wildly, Eren leaned over and grazed his lips against the strong jaw.

Levi's eyes slowly opened as the boy trailed kisses down to his neck. He pursed his lips to hold back any embarrassing sounds. A warm tongue flicked over his ear. Levi turned to face Eren.

The heated gaze stunned Eren. He couldn't move a muscle. His nerves kicked in and he quickly hid his face. "S-sorry, sir." A hand gripped his wrist, making him cringe, and then wound around his waist. Eren soon found himself straddling Levi. "S-sir?" Hi heartbeat quickened even more. Misted eyes stared him down. His body began trembling in a weird way, a way that's never happened before.

Levi silently cursed at himself. It was getting hard for him to hold back. He placed Eren back beside him and stood. "I have some business to take care of. I'll come find you when I'm done." He ran his fingers through brown hair and left, putting some distance between him and the kid. Before he realized where he was heading, he found himself outside of Hanji's door. He rasped his knuckles against the wood before letting himself in.

Hanji glared at the man. "Oh, please, come in."

Levi cringed at the mess. Beakers and papers cluttered the room. "You should really clean." His nose crinkled at a foul smell. "Seriously." He stepped over some liquid substance on the floor and eased down into a chair.

Haji rolled her eyes. "That's not what's important here. What is important is-"

"Stop right there." Levi quickly interrupted. "I didn't come here to hear you babble on about shit."

She stuck out her tongue. "You're worse than a woman during her time of the month."

Levi grunted and crossed his arms over his chest. "Look who is speaking."

Hanji ignored him and turned back to her task at hand. "What did you come to bitch about?"

Levi glared daggers at the crazy woman's back. "I don't bitch." He crossed his legs and straightened his posture. "I came here to tell you to stop doing bad experiments on Jaeger."

"No can do. To be fair, I did give him a week break."

Levi grew impatient. "Awful woman, what about yesterday?"

Hanji stopped what she was doing and glanced up from her work. "Nobody could find Eren yesterday." She went back to busying herself once more. "I haven't done any tests on him in over a week."

Levi could hear the annoyance in her voice. He grunted. "Then why did he have blood on his clothes?"

Hanji pushed her glasses up to her head as she turned around to stare at the man. She could tell he was becoming slightly panicked. "Levi, I'm being serious. Everyone assumed Eren went with you to Mitras." She watched Levi's face fall.

Levi pushed up from the chair and all but ran from the room, the sound of Hanji's yelling fading behind him. He caught sight of a tall boy disappearing inside of a room. His boot caught the door from shutting. Eren yelped jumped away. Levi pushed his way through and locked the door behind him. "So, I went to see Hanji."

Eren's knees buckled. His skin became clammy.

Levi's fists clenched as he slammed his knuckles down on the dresser. He stared at the floor as he quietly spoke. "Where is the blood from, Eren?"

Eren shook with fear. He backed away from Levi until his knees hit the edge of the bed. He fell back against the mattress. His eyes squeezed shut as panic set in.


End file.
